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Each of us has our own unique GPS system... Truth-telling is the most thorough navigation tool.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


The last few days have been emotionally more difficult. I wondered if my body was about to bleed. Yesterday at the network my first client said when I finished the twenty-minute rub, “That was one of your best.” During the time I was working on him, I did have some reprieve from my own agony. I was able to focus on the chronic rubber kitchen mat of a knot under his left shoulder. I was able to give with my hands what I know will bring peace and healing to another and make their day better.

My second client said, “That was good. Now I want to get on the couch and take a nap.” He’s the head of a busy, incessantly stress-filled Department. I told him I’d found in my diary of 1999 that it was suggested to me that I should apply to be his assistant. “I would have liked working for you because you are the most mellow man in this building, but that desk offers no privacy and this department is so loud.”
He smiled at the thought that I might have been his assistant. Then he said, “I use to get angry all the time but I’ve learned how to not react as much and I find I can set the tone for my own department. When I go upstairs, it’s another story.”

The other clients I thought I’d have fell through. One was waiting for approval to leave the building. She’s been in agony since February 3rd and the medical establishment is giving her the run around. The other one had someone in his office and I couldn’t wait around... I wanted to get home. I walked out of the building with only $70. I should have tried harder. I should have gone to more floors and asked more strangers if they wanted a neck rub. I didn’t have it in me.

I needed to come home and be quiet. I watched Henry James’ THE GOLDEN BOWL. It saddened me to see that the man who lied to his wife and father-in-law was forgiven but the woman who lied to her husband and best friend was subtley humiliated. The man will swallow up the passion available but not attach love to it. One of the male characters said, “A man doesn’t like it when it’s easy.”
I know why this upsets me. If a woman is liberated, is led by her passion as a man is, she isn’t respected as is the more reserved woman who DEMANDS societal respect and position before engaging in sexual relations. This movie was of a different generation, different century, yet sadly, this same double standard continues whether we are conscious of it or not.

Then I watched TIME REGAINED which showed Marcel Proust’s struggle with his appearance oriented culture; how he triumphed, diligently focusing on his craft, eventually able to give the by-products of his life to his world. Kind of enlightening, yet the movie was as hard to follow as his writing is... yet valuable nonetheless because so few know that internal language.

This man I miss protected his proper relationship that was consigned to him by his boss... Yet he didn’t protect the woman involved or her feelings, just the container that they show to the world. All appearances.
To realize I lusted and loved a man incapable of inner core directives stymies me. I finally pick up the diary again today, after five days without contact. On every page it is there... I saw it, I felt it, I wanted to change it, and felt incapable to do so. I saw a trickle of blood this morning and it pleased me. It’s been two months since I broke up with him. That’s the last time I bled. I listened to my body. I didn't push when I was crumbling inside. I didn’t rush off to spinning, deciding instead to lay low and go slow. By doing so, I finally found my peace again.

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