Yesterday
was difficult. I dealt with the kind of emotional mentality that was
predictable, even repeatable. It’s like how many times does one need to get
bashed in the head, or have a knife in the back, or experience a heart attack
in the same veins and arteries without seeking help to heal those blood
bringing vehicles.
I
was painted black yet again. I was pushed beyond where I felt comfortable
sharing myself, and then accused of doing it on purpose. The lesson is I didn’t
protect my boundary and was punished for not doing so. The gift of the cursed
experience is the truth. I discovered the game that was being played on me and
can now move forward. I can release the past, release the caring and concern
for another. It is difficult to give up that which is my highest physical
temptation to date, but perhaps that is all it has been. It’s not like I really
learned love and patience and caring. I learned to give more of myself but that
was never truly appreciated. This was the physical temptation of that which is
promising all the wonders and delivering too many woes. How many times must one
repeat the process to realize it is toxic?
I
move forward now. I will go put my feet on the sand and let the water cleanse
my soul. I will walk a different walk, while getting the glorious sun on my
skin, which is shining down upon us all. I will move back into a state of
productivity and gratitude for the time I have to transform. I can still
accomplish my goals. I can still finish my work. I can still heal my heart and
give my gifts to those who have nurtured and nourished me. I need to be proud
of my existence. I am the center of my wheel. Each spoke is a story I’ve added
to the power of my roll. Some spokes have sped my movement and some have slowed
me down. Each one taught me something along my journey. Both my brothers
married early and made great effort to make better bad situations. By dating as
I’ve had the opportunity, by exploring many different relationships, to learn
that some are supposed to last and others not.
Each
day is a new day. My body has had certain urges and needs that I’ve compensated
for by allowing relationships that weren’t healthy for all parts of my being to
continue when the demise of that union would have been better in the long run.
I paid a price for that. Now I’m fighting for my life… it’s not the kind of
illness that will surely bring me down any time soon, but it’s threatening
enough that I must pay attention and streamline my ride. I must release all
negativity, which causes stress to my body. I must incorporate new habits and
ways of being. I must return to the calm baby who was curious about everything
around her. She had no judgment or blame or little anger in the beginning. She
was content to sit and learn, or had a way of showing her happiness with a
delightful skip in her step. It is my aim to return to her and let her know the
coast is clear. She can come out and play again.
This
is the human’s job. To raise the self first, and then provide gifts for others.
That’s my intent. I do have gifts to give but in the past I’ve forgotten about
them when fighting in wars that weren’t mine in the first place. I didn’t come
here to fight.
